Warning: This article may not be appropriate for all readers, so if you are sensitive about sexual content and hygiene-related matters, you may wish to stop here.
On the other hand, if you’re curious about a common variety of problems capable of turning a run into a nightmare, keep reading and you’ll learn a few things about your body.
Runners Trots
Who hasn’t done everything possible to stave off diarrhea when tackling a long race, only to find that the urge to empty one’s colon isn’t to be put off? This situation can get dicey if there are no portable toilets in the vicinity, so you’ve no choice but to find a bush.
For desert runners, huge rocks may suffice, but the wisest of runners don adult diapers as insurance! After all, nobody’s doing an underwear check at the start line.
This dilemma is also known as Runner’s Bum, so if you want to make light of your situation, adopt the Shakespearean phrase, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” but substitute the word poop for the flower.
Runner’s Boner
Who says one’s penis was designed to pop up and down only when its owner requires it to do so in the most intimate of settings?
In fact, spontaneous erections are more likely than not when a guy undertakes arduous distances. Marathons certainly fall into that category – especially if they happen to be extreme events or ultras.
Blame this erection on your healthy body doing its job: a typical rush of endorphins doesn’t just travel to your brain; it also makes a beeline for your private parts, resulting in said boner.
Lift your head high, keep running and remember that there are probably older men racing beside you who would trade places with you in a heartbeat.
Runner’s Penis
Not to be confused with a Runner’s Boner, this condition is regularly experienced by guys who tend to undertake the longest, most brutal sojourns (e.g., cross-country jocks), during which time the body responds to fatigue by re-allocating blood normally sent to the penis to the urethra instead.
You’ve no control over this possibility so accept the fact that your organ could show all of the telltale signs of Runner’s Penis: it shrinks, gets hard and cold, and all at the same time.
Does this remind you of the way your old girlfriend behaved when she discovered you flirting with a work colleague at an after-hours get-together? Hmmm.
Sports Cock
It may not feel right to refer to your prim and proper science teacher when coming to grips with a Sports Cock definition, but after all, she did tell you that what goes up must come down, right?
This term was invented to describe a post-race physiological reaction to having expended a herculean amount of energy and as a result, your adrenaline rush has dissipated and one of the results you experience is a deflated penis.
It’s up to you whether you wish to celebrate this deflated moment or give your penis a break for serving you so well over time.
Runner’s Brain
When your training routine becomes extremely intense, you could suffer a bout of Runner’s Brain. Don’t panic. You’re not losing your mental acuity; this is just a temporary diminution of mental capacity marked by confusion and feelings of living outside your body.
It’s perfectly normal, but disconcerting if you worry that a family history of dementia may have struck at an early age each time you forget something.
Take a deep breath. As long as you remember how to get home and your boyfriend’s first name, what else matters? Chalk your Runner’s Brain up to experience and remember to send flowers to your granny once you’re thinking clearly again.
Runner’s Scum
If you’re all about appearances and wouldn’t be caught dead looking untidy, be forewarned running mile upon mile could lead to a condition called Runner’s Scum: thin, stringy residues settle on the body like disgusting, grimy cloaks.
This coating of residue is particularly daunting when your body is overheated and it feels like everything but lizards are attaching themselves to you.
Thus far, nothing’s been invented to keep that grime at bay or clean it off properly in mid run, so if you’ve a product idea in mind to vanquish this scum, you’ll make millions.
Runner’s Potato
It’s commonplace to be embarrassed by bodily functions that insist on presenting themselves when you’re not in a position to address them – you arrive at a portable toilet or the finish line aware of the fact that you’ve already deposited a bowel movement into your undergarment, and that can be disconcerting to say the least.
But, you’re not the first, nor will you be the last to find that you’ve answered nature’s call on the fly. Long lines at port-o-johns or the absence of them is often the culprit, so if you’ve a propensity for acquiring a runner’s potato, put on that adult diaper, just in case.
By the way, if that potato happens to present itself as the mashed variety, refer to this dilemma as Runner’s Bowel Syndrome instead.
Runner’s Farts
Let’s talk gas here. If you didn’t expel it on a regular basis, you might blow up and since the act of running can trigger the rapid fire anal response of a sub-machine gun in your lower bowel, you could find yourself expressing smelly, loud farts with each footfall.
You’re going to have to get over yourself and stop apologising. Believe it or not, some societies around the globe consider expelling gas in the presence of others to be the ultimate compliment following a meal – no matter where that gas originates. Just pretend you’re there if this happens!
Runner’s Depression
Remember the science principle we invoked when describing Runner’s Penis: What goes up must come down? Well, mood swings afflicting runners are equally dramatic.
You’ve gotten as high as a person can go when euphoria borne of endorphin releases make you feel as though you could conquer the world, but once the physical action that spurs the high dissipates, it’s common for depression to settle in.
Those feelings of sadness need not be seen as a negative: When you feel this way, do something uplifting for yourself until those optimistic feelings return. One caveat: this is no time to go on a car- or jewellery-buying binge!
Runner’s Groove
Who says that music can’t soothe the savage beast or morph a normally serious runner into a dance queen or king on the trail, especially when nobody’s looking!
The song that tickles your fancy and induces an immediate desire to bust a move or two can alter your running pattern, so don’t throw caution to the wind as “Don’t Let Me Down” starts to fill your ears and your soul.
Keep an eye on the terrain as you let your body do it’s thing, or you’ll have to spend just as much time being creative when asked how you twisted your ankle at the finish line.
Did we leave anything out that you’re dying to know? Please inform us. If we collect enough new dilemmas, you could find yourself reading a second treatise on this subject!
